


just let me love you when your heart is tired

by iwadimples



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, Self-Worth Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-13 13:49:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29279481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwadimples/pseuds/iwadimples
Summary: Sometimes Iwaizumi’s thoughts get a little too loud.Oikawa’s always there to quiet them.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 10
Kudos: 63
Collections: Because our babies deserve the world





	just let me love you when your heart is tired

**Author's Note:**

> So I wrote this a few weeks ago. It’s entirely self-indulgent and self-comfort. I basically hardcore projected onto Iwaizumi, so he might be a little out of character. All of these are things I constantly struggle with and I needed something to do with the overbearing thoughts. I also chose Iwaizumi because maybe I just wanted Oikawa to be the one who comforts for once.
> 
> This is entirely unedited minus I rewrote some of the comfort bc I had rushed it in the need to simply get this written. It still didn’t turn out quite right and I wanted more verbal reassurance from Oikawa, but sometimes just a presence of someone is nice to have, too. I didn’t want to touch the hurt because we don’t get to edit the things we feel or think, especially the things that can be mean and dark.
> 
> To be honest I was on the fence about posting this, but I decided to because I don’t like having my writing just sitting in my notes. 
> 
> And to anyone who perhaps struggles with these types of thoughts too, you aren’t alone. You aren’t alone in these thoughts, and you aren’t alone in the world. You matter, so so much. I know it can be hard to believe these words and they can just fly over your head, but you do. Thank you, simply for existing.

His thoughts wouldn’t quiet. They were loud in the silence, suffocating and overbearing. They caused his heart to squeeze, feeling tight and uncomfortable, and there was just the barest edge of panic at the corners of his mind. His head was a record of the same ridiculous thoughts that hounded him mercilessly;  _You’re not wanted. You’re not good enough. People will grow tired of you. You’re all alone. Everyone is better than you are. What worth are you?_

He wanted to cry, but his eyes were dry. There was simply the faint burn that threatened tears, but none would fall. He wished they would. It would feel better. Maybe then he wouldn’t feel so lonely. Maybe then he could feel something besides crippling loneliness and isolation. 

Realistically, he knew his feelings were stupid. He knew they were completely unfounded and based on nothing but his brain being absolutely fucked. He also knew thinking so negatively of himself didn’t help. But Iwaizumi couldn’t help but hate himself just a little. He had friends, plenty of them. He was physically attractive, and he had plenty of talents and positive qualities, objectively speaking. And yet, and  yet , his stupid, useless brain decided to question every relationship he had, unable to grasp what a real bond was with someone without feeling obligated to constantly be giving or pleasing. His stupid self-worth, what little there was, was based entirely on the opinions of others, of how much they liked him. Objectively, deep down, he knew of his good qualities, yet he could never truly believe in himself, never have real confidence in the things he did. He couldn’t help but  _doubt doubt doubt_ , wondering if anything he did would ever be worth it, if it were any good. If he was any good.

Music played softly through his headphones, his only companion in the crushing dark. Instead of the usual rock or alternative that he loved so, which was usually played at full volume for maximum heart-rattling effect, this was something played just loud enough to feel the bass of the beat, and instead of his preferred genre, it was something he ran to whenever he needed comforting. Specific songs by BTS, the ones written and composed for those who sometimes felt like he was feeling: lonely and helpless, so that they knew that they _weren’t_ alone, and that there were people out there who understood them. There were select songs from each album, as well as the solo mixtapes of the rap line. mono was particularly comforting.

Iwaizumi exhaled a shaky sigh, eyes closing as if he could block his feelings and insecurities from view. He didn’t really know what he was doing. He never knew what to do with himself when he got like this. He could talk to people, knew that he _should_ , yet every time he even considered it, the idea was instantly shoved from his mind, instead immediately replaced with fear of being annoying or driving his friends away. Being vulnerable just... wasn’t his thing. Everyone was held at a distance, even those closest to him, who knew more embarrassing stories than he’d like to admit, knew a hint of the ugliness that lurked beneath his skin, but not everything. Never everything. He was too much emotional baggage, and he refused to let anyone ever see just how much. There was a tall iron wall surrounding his heart, so much more fragile and small than he would ever let on. And he would forever be isolated because of that. Because he didn’t know how to let anyone in, didn’t know how to lower his guard completely for _anyone_ , no matter how many times he was told he could always _always_ talk to so-and-so if needed, that they were always there for him. He always said the exact same thing, and he meant it. He knew how to be there for others, but apparently he didn’t know how to let anyone be there for him.

Suddenly, in the middle of his thoughts, his phone vibrated. His music quieted, instead replaced with an easily recognizable ringtone. He frowned deeply at the screen as a certain face with big brown eyes and lovely brunette waves flashed across the screen. 

Of course Oikawa was calling him. The question was, did he answer? He probably should. Oikawa would be suspicious if he didn’t. And, he really wanted to. It was almost embarrassing, how much Oikawa meant to him and how much comfort he brought. Almost, because he could never be embarrassed of his partner, and he wasn’t afraid to say how madly in love with him he was. But. He also didn’t want to dump all of his problems on Oikawa. Oikawa was the most important person in his life.

That also meant he feared losing him the most. And driving him away because Iwaizumi’s brain didn’t know how to function was a very real and very scary possibility. He didn’t know how Oikawa put up with him, surely he would get sick of going through the same shit with Iwaizumi constantly. It was certainly only a matter of time before Oikawa was unable to take anymore, and Iwaizumi wasn’t sure if he could handle losing him. But oh, it would be so nice to hear Oikawa’s voice—

It didn’t matter anyway. The ringing stopped. He had taken too long to debate, the phone had decided for him. That was fine. Sighing, Iwaizumi resigned himself to a night of pain and loneliness, allowing the silent darkness of his room to engulf him once again. 

That lasted for about two minutes before his phone was ringing again. Scrunching his brows, he lifted the screen and found it was Oikawa again. He frowned. In the short moments between the two calls, he had already decided he was going to deal with this alone. It was for the best. He just couldn’t bear if this was the final straw for Oikawa.

But, if he didn’t answer, Oikawa would know something was wrong. He _could_ answer, pretend everything was fine, and quickly send Oikawa back to sleep and everything would be fine. Yeah, that was a good plan. He would do that.

Only by the time he decided this, his phone once again darkened, indicating he had missed the chance to answer. 

In the long moments that followed, which weren’t actually long at all, Iwaizumi’s mind drifted down another terrible path. This wouldn’t be the first time he had pushed people away, pushed _Oikawa_ away. He wondered how long it would be before Oikawa grew sick of that, too.

Maybe he already had. If Oikawa tried again, Iwaizumi knew he would have to pick up. Oikawa would definitely be concerned now. But maybe he could play it off, say he was in the shower or something. Yeah, that would work. Oikawa would never have to know. He could go to bed easy tonight if he tried calling again. But that was a strong _if_. (Realistically, it wasn’t, it was a _when_.)

How long before Oikawa got sick of being pushed away? How long before he was tired of having to take care of Iwaizumi, of having to say the same things over and over? Iwaizumi wouldn’t blame him if Oikawa decided to give up on him. Iwaizumi would give up on himself, too. Maybe he already had. Maybe Oikawa would soon, too. It would be lonely without Oikawa. Worse than lonely, actually. It would be absolutely devastating. 

Iwaizumi curled in on himself, heart already aching at the thought of losing Oikawa. He really hoped he wouldn’t, and yet, why should he? What gave him the right? He was being a terrible boyfriend, a terrible person really, and he just knew he had to annoying as hell with his ridiculous insecurities—

His phone rang again. This time, Iwaizumi unplugged his headphones and answered immediately, opening his mouth to say something but—

“Iwachan.”

Iwaizumi winced. That was definitely disapproval in Oikawa’s tone. Maybe Oikawa was calling to cut things off? Once again, he couldn’t blame Oikawa. “Y-yeah, what’s up, ‘Kawa?” His face pinched. His voice sounded just as shaky as he felt.

“You’re doing it again,” Oikawa stated. And then, in a softer voice, “I’ve told you not to deal with this alone. I’m here for you.”

Tears burned behind Iwaizumi’s eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize, love,” Oikawa replied, voice still gentle. “You never have to apologize for this. Now come open the door.”

It took Iwaizumi a few seconds to register Oikawa’s words. A few tears had slipped down his cheeks, overwhelmed as the feeling of being a burden swelled and suffocated him. He blinked several times when the words finally sank in. “W-what?”

The smile was almost audible in Oikawa’s tone. “I said, come open the door. You’re not going to make your boyfriend freeze out in the cold, are you? Wait, actually, you stay right there. I’ll just use the key hidden under the plant.”

“You’re here?!”

“Of course! My Iwachan senses were tingling, I wasn’t about to leave you alone!” There was a click and the sound of the door opening. Oikawa stepped inside, shutting the door behind him and slipping off his shoes. He offered a sorry for the intrusion before speaking to Iwaizumi again, “Your house is so dark,” Oikawa tutted, making his way up to Iwaizumi’s room, “it’s as if you want me to trip.” Iwaizumi didn’t have the energy to joke like he usually would. Oikawa was understanding of this. “I dropped by the konbini on the way for snacks. We can watch movies and cuddle until you fall asleep, kay?”

“... Oikawa... you didn’t have to do all this... It’s...” Iwaizumi squinted at the time, “eleven at night.” Oikawa should be asleep by now. And yet here he was, bothering with Iwaizumi instead.

“None of that nonsense,” Oikawa quickly denied. And then, because he knew where Iwaizumi’s thoughts were, “You will always be worth my time.” The knob to Iwaizumi’s bedroom door turned, swung open, and then there Oikawa was, smiling softly, eyes gentle. He hung up their call, holding his arms out. “Come here.”

A broken sound choked out of Iwaizumi. For all of his reservations and overthinking, he was quick to launch himself into Oikawa’s arms. He buried his face in Oikawa’s necks as the other pulled him close, planting a kiss into Iwaizumi’s hair. “Hey, Iwachan,” he greeted softly.

“‘Kawa,” Iwaizumi breathed. He held onto Oikawa tightly, like if he let go, the other would slip through his grasp. Oikawa held on just as tight, more so to comfort Iwaizumi and to say “I’m here.”

Here, in Oikawa’s arms, Iwaizumi already felt his thoughts beginning to calm. And here, where he knew he was safe and protected, Iwaizumi let the tears fall. They were silent tears that flowed down his cheeks, small sniffles accompanying them. He always had been a quiet crier. He buried his face in Oikawa’s neck, like maybe he could absorb some of the light his lover always shined so brightly with.

Oikawa simply held on to Iwaizumi just as tightly as the latter held onto him. His heart ached for his partner. His sweet, lovely Hajime, who deserved none of the shadows that haunted him. He rubbed soothing circles into the small of Iwaizumi’s back, muttering quiet nothing’s that were just loud enough for the two of them to hear.

Eventually Oikawa coaxed Iwaizumi to the bed so they could lie down. He gathered Iwaizumi into his arms, pulling him close to his chest, then covered them both with Iwaizumi’s blanket.

Iwaizumi sighed, melting against his boyfriend. His eyes were bloodshot and he felt so, so tired, yet not in the way that would allow him to sleep. His thoughts were still a mess and an ache still burned in his chest, but Oikawa’s deft, gentle hands running soothingly through the tufts of his hair and massaging against his scalp helped make things just a little more bearable. So too, did the steady beat of Oikawa’s heart right next to his ear. Everyone always called Iwaizumi the reliable one. But personally, he thought that was Oikawa. Iwaizumi was known for being steady and constant, but they didn’t realize that here, in the quiet moments like these, when even Iwaizumi couldn’t be strong, Oikawa was just as reliable. Just as reassuring as Iwaizumi could be, if not more.

“Do you want to watch something?” Oikawa asked softly, almost a whisper. It was low, just the right pitch, because he knew the way Iwaizumi was sensitive to sounds too loud in his moments of vulnerability. 

Iwaizumi’s response was a small grunt.  _ I don’t mind. I just want to be with you . _

He felt and heard Oikawa’s answering hum. He felt Oikawa move, the brunette reaching for Iwaizumi’s remote but being careful as to not disturb Iwaizumi. Then Iwaizumi’s flatscreen flickered to life. The corners of his mouth twitched up as he watched Oikawa queue up the entirety of the Godzilla franchise, his very favorite and comfort series.

“Let me know if you need anything,” Oikawa murmured as the first movie began to play. “I have all of your favorites in here.” He patted the bag on the bedside table. To answer, Iwaizumi intertwined their fingers together, squeezing once in acknowledgement and thanks.

* * *

The next morning they awoke to a golden sunlight streaming in through the curtains. The weather outside was cold, but inside, it was warm, there, in each other’s arms. Oikawa coaxed Iwaizumi, who was a rather slow riser, awake with gentle kisses, showered lovingly all over his face. Iwaizumi couldn’t help but smile as he opened his eyes, brilliant emerald meeting rich caramel. Oikawa was beaming. “Morning, Iwachan.” He spoke softly, quietly, almost secretive to maintain the peaceful atmosphere.

Iwaizumi’s features melted, a look that could be described as nothing but smitten on his face as he replied, “Morning, ‘Kawa.” He sighed in content, thoughts much quieter than the night before, and he knew it was all thanks to the boy next to him. He nuzzled into his lover, affection wrapping around them like a blanket. “Thank you. For yesterday.”

Oikawa pressed a kiss to the top of his head. “Of course, Haji. You always have me.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading :)


End file.
